Tough

It is with a very heavy heart that I write this post today.
Two days ago, was a very bitter sweet day, for a sweet little baby was born sleeping into the arms of Jesus. Natalee, a good friend of mine from high school, was overdue with her 5th baby, a boy- Sawyer Jude.
On the morning of the 24th, she went in to get checked because the baby was not moving, and that is when they found that he no longer had a heartbeat.

She posted this on her facebook yesterday:

Sawyer Jude, 8 lbs 6.4 oz, 21" long and absolutely beautiful and perfect. He was born, sleeping peacefully at 1:18 A.M. May 25, 2012 ♥ It was the date that, for weeks now I'd hoped he would come into this world on... I loved the sound of 5/25 and how easy it would be to remember when asked all five of our kids' birth dates ♥ It will now be the second hardest date to remember....today's ...will be the first...as we have to give him all the kisses of a lifetime, all the hugs and try to memorize his every feature....all the things we wanted to a whole lifetime to do before we have to give him someone else and leave without our sweet baby boy. I can hardly breathe or see for crying. i want to take him home....I know he's at home with Jesus, but I wanted him longer with me, we all did. I know he's the lucky one, and I'm so thankful for the hope we have in Christ. We are, Jesse and I and the kids having to do something we never imagined.....please continue to cover us in prayer and encourage (we are reading all of it) us as we also begin to plan sweet Sawyer's memorial service ♥ I want to be overtaken with the peace only my heavenly father can give....I'm running to Him. I'm thankful for and so in LOVE with my son and our lives have been forever blessed, forever changed having him dancing in my belly these last 41 weeks ♥

 

Please, if you will, pray for this family.  I cant even begin to imagine going through this. I had early miscarriages, and that was hard, but to carry a perfectly healthy baby for 41 weeks and then suddenly he dies when he should have been born.... to leave the hospital with empty arms, and empty dreams, and then to have to plan a memorial instead.  To have to go home, and face the questions of curious people, deal with the comments of well-meaning people who just say the wrong things unknowingly, to have to walk into your house thats now set up and ready for a newborn.  All the little painful reminders that you were indeed supposed to bring home your baby to love and care for.

 

Its so hard to understand why these things happen. I know God had a bigger plan, and through this He will make something beautiful.  And as Natalee said in her post above, Sawyer is the lucky one to be in Heaven with Jesus. Im so glad they have such a strong faith.

 

I have read many blogs that I found through a miscarriage and infant loss website after I had my miscarriages.  I noticed the same two trends.  The blogs from women who were not believers were very bitter. Cold. Angry. Depressed. And some of these blogs were written years and years after their child passed, and they were still feeling these emotions. While the blogs from women who were believers and had faith were still sad, but there was hope in what they wrote. They knew their babies were in the arms of the Father, and that someday they will get to see them again.  They know God has a purpose and a plan for everything.  They were not bitter.  Obviously yes they were sad.... you'd have to be emotionally dead to not feel sad from losing your child, but it was a hopeful sadness.

His plan for little Sawyer was just as it was; to never take a breath of the outside world.  His little life has touched so many people already.

I was doing so good...

I was doing so good posting regularly there for a few weeks.... then life started to feel like it was getting back to normal a little bit!  And what I mean by that is, Jadon is acting a little more like himself lately.  Getting into trouble.  Acting up.  Being a stinker. Exhausting me in the process.Not worrying nearly as much.
Bedtime has improved dramatically.  Getting him to get ready for school has improved 10 times over.  Getting out the door to preschool has greatly improved.  Pretty much everything has improved.  There are still a few little things that are suffering.  He's still worrying about separation, though not to the degree that it was, and this is apparent when we actually get to preschool and he refuses to get out of the car.  Although once he is in the building he is fine.
He's also still worried about getting sick, and this was made evident the other night when he and Avery both got in trouble before bed and lost their bedtime snack in the process.  He was worried that he'd get sick from being hungry..... (long story short, he's gotten sick from being too hungry before)...... so he was up for a few hours crying in bed that he was scared.
So the plan for his councelling is that we are going to continue weekly until the end of the school year, and re-evaluate at that time again.

For mothers day we decided to go do something as a family, since we've really done nothing fun this year because of circumstances and jobs and just busyness of life.  So we went to the coast to the Tillamook cheese factory, and the Tillamook air museum, looked at a lighthouse, and spent some time on the beach.  It was a lot of driving for one day, and Avery was being especially "two", particularly at mealtimes.  Nothing is more embarrasing than a child throwing a tantrum in a restaurant.  You can feel all eyes on the parents and they are all thinking "cant they get control of that kid?!"  Well, if you've ever dealt with a headstrong two year old, then the answer is no. The only thing you can do is take them away, which is what Derek did.  Avery went in timeout in the car 2 times while at lunch that day... and lunch was only about 20 minutes long, maybe even 15.  So, it was really unpleasant.

Unfortunately the beach was about as unpleasant as the 2 year old.  At least the sun was shining, but the wind was whipping so hard that the sand was pelting our legs, and felt like we were being sandblasted.  Not to mention, it made the temperature, which was probably in the low 60's, feel much cooler than that, and we were all in shorts because the weather men said it was going to be in the 70's and 80's on the coast.

By days end, we were ready to be home and out of the car. 

Lucky me, the next day was my birthday, and Derek took the day off of work, but that day we just hung around the house, running errands and shopping.  Jadon had preschool. We ate out for lunch which is something we do as a family ritual on birthdays. The kids and Derek bought me a toaster oven for my birthday, and a new blender for mothers day, since my old blender pooped out on me recently. The weather was absolutely gorgeous!  I had exercise class that night, and unfortunately we got to class and found out our regular instructor was out all week camping and we had a sub. in her place.  She was alright, but lacked the pep that the regular lady offers. So in other words, it was a struggle! 

I'm going crazy with a few things.  Meals.  Dinners in particular.  I feel so unorganized and I cant stand it.  So thanks to PINTEREST I found a menu chart that I made and starting in June, i'm going to have a monthly dinner menu to follow!  This will make life soooo much easier!  Then 4pm wont roll around every day and i wont have to think to myself, What am i going ot make for dinner tonight?!?  I'll have my menu in place, i'll buy ingredients ahead of time and i'll know what i need when i need it.  Eventually i'm going to print out all the recipes as well so i have them all on hand.  I'll throw in a new recipe here and there, but my family doesnt seem to be too fond of trying new things, so i'll keep the frequency at a minimal on this.... but i'm sooooo excited to start!!  I'm so tired of not knowing what to make for dinner every night!
I'll take a picture of it when i get it all set up!

The end of yet another exhausting week

I'm glad this week is done.  It was quite a hectic one.  Derek was gone again for half the week in Wisconsin for more training for work.  Jadon didn't do very well with him being gone this time... something we found out he was not very thrilled with at his last councelling session.
Jadon doesnt often tell us much what he's thinking or feeling, probably because he either doesnt understand it or doesnt know how to explain it.  So he apparently said something about Derek going to Wisconsin again to his councellor, who then told us that Jadon was a little anxious about Derek going to Wisconsin. This was news to us.  As far as we knew, Jadon couldnt have cared less.  He's alot like me and keeps his emotions bottled up inside... both happy and sad ones.

So, Jadon was VERY anxious while Derek was gone, and would not go to sleep at night, once asleep he didnt sleep much, and getting him to school was an absolute nightmare.... I wish I could have seen what my blood pressure was at during those 3.5 days. It was very frustrating. 

Monday I had to go grocery shopping.  Everytime i go grocery shopping, when I leave the cart to get something off a shelf, I turn around to find Avery making out with the shopping cart handle.... AND. I. JUST. ABOUT. DIE.
Its so discusting!!!!  Grocery cart handles are one of the dirtiest things you ever touch, let alone put your MOUTH on!!!! Dirtier than a toilet seat!!!!!!  Oh barf!!!!!!  Then in the car after our grocery trips, her hands are all over in her mouth and nose...............So on monday, I was prepared!  I took a hand sanitizer wipe in with me (since Winco does not offer cart wipes for their carts... by the way, thanks winco for that.)  Wiped the cart down really good. 
Of course, this particular trip, she barely even touched the cart with her hands, let alone her mouth.  And when we got in the car, as usual, I made her wipe her hands with a wipe.  And of course this time her hands were no where near her eyes/nose/mouth.  So, of course, the day i'm prepared to fight off the germs, she does not do anything gross.  However, had I not washed the cart, or her hands, her mouth would have been all over the cart, and her hands would have been all over in her mouth and nose.
Such is life.


Derek and I have been talking about how exhausted Jadon has been making us over these last couple months. He has literally worn us out.  I have not done anything fun with these kids, and I feel terrible.  I used to do crafts with them all the time, or take them places, but I feel like Jadon has kindof sucked the energy out of us lately.  Monday I decided that while Derek was gone I needed to try to do at least a little something fun with the kids, so we made our own pizzas.  I bought a pack of 3 mini crusts and put out some toppings that we all like and I made my pizza first because I knew they'd hog all the toppings, and its a good things because shortly after they started in, Avery sneezed on the cheese.  Anyways, they had fun making their pizzas, and it was a short enough "activity" that it kept their attention, yet long enough that it satisfied them. 
Jadon's turned out pretty decent.  Avery's had an inch of cheese on it, so I intervened and removed a bit so that it would cook.
Avery, of course, did not eat her pizza though.
And Jadon does not like leftover pizza, so basically I ate most of the pizza over the course of the next 3 days.

Tuesday was Jadon's kindergarten orientation day!  He was really excited about it, until right before, then he clammed up and got nervous, and we ended up walking in late. He had the option of going to play in the classroom with the teacher and the other kids, while I went and listened to the principal talk, but he didnt want to leave me.  After the principal finished talking though, all the parents got to go get their kids and check out the classroom and meet the teacher.  It was crowded with a bunch of adult bodies and a little overwhelming for Jadon.  He met his teacher momentarily though, and we'll get a one-on-one with her again the week before school starts.  The thing Jadon WAS excited about however-  riding the school bus.  It will stop right at our house, and now everytime it goes by our house he gets Sssssssuuuuppppeeeeerrrrr excited!  After orientation, Jadon and I went and got gelato together.

Wednesday, we had a playdate after preschool with a buddy from Jadon's preschool and his younger twin brothers. All the kids enjoyed that, and it was the only non-rainy day out of like 5 days, so we got lucky.  It was still chilly, and breezy, but the kids didnt notice. They had a grand time climbing the trees, and that one was big enough for all 5 to get in, unfortunately its impossible to get a picture of 5 kids ages 5 and under to look at you at the same time and smile for a picture.

Derek came home early thursday morning and had to go back to work that same day.  He was exhausted. But surprised me friday when he was given the day off of work :)

So friday was a big day for a little girl who's growing up too fast. After months and months of me not wanting to convert Averys crib into a toddler bed, we finally, on a whim, converted it.  So now, my baby girl, is one step further away from being my baby. :*(
She was scared of her "new" bed when she took her nap, but did pretty good last night.  She stayed in bed!  And didn't even get out of bed this morning when she woke up!  I sent Jadon in her room to get her out of bed.  She'll get the hang of it.... in fact, i'm sure next week at this time i'll be blogging about how she wont stay in her bed anymore and i'm ready to rip my hair out.  :) 

And one final piece of information for the week.  Jadon has a new tooth coming in!  However, he has not lost a tooth yet.  This tooth is coming in directly behind one of his baby teeth.  I've been feeling his baby tooth, and it isnt loose yet.  Although last night I felt it, and it looks like it might be getting a tad bit loose..... so, we'll see!!!!!  I am going to sew up a tooth fairy pillow of some sort.  I have to find one that I like first though.  I'm trying to get Jadon really excited about having a new tooth, a loose tooth, and losing a tooth, because he got a bit freaked out at first about the thought of losing a tooth and was worrying.  So, ive been trying to build it into a big exciting thing!  Probably wont work since nothing seems to calm his fears.  But yes, we might have a loose/lost tooth pretty soon!!  Both my babies are growing up so fast! :*( Waaaahhhh!